The Path to Ho'oponopono

Ho’oponopono

I read about it for the first time on a post on a travel page.  It is a Hawaiian spiritual practice loosely translated meaning ‘to create or bring balance’. A woman had it tattooed on her arm to remind her of it, so I figured it was worth reading up on.  I mean I could sure use some powerful healing energy and balance.

So I do a bit of old google research on the topic.  Seems like it has to do with forgiveness.  I remember that being front and center on that vision board I made so this is something I REALLY need right now.  And something I am woefully lacking in.  

I am terrible at forgiveness.  In fact, if I say you are dead to me, you are dead forever.  There is no coming back.  Not now.  Not ever. This is a problem. I recognize that harboring that anger and lack of forgiveness has caused a huge weight to sit right on my chest.  It is invisible to the naked eye, but I feel it. 

My list is long.

After I created the vision board, I decided to work on forgiving one person on that list at a time.  But I had no idea what that looked like. I scrolled through the mental list of infractions large and small and tried to figure out in what form ‘forgiveness’ would manifest itself.  I mean was it something I just said to myself? Was it me simply letting go?  Was I supposed to analyze what happened and find some grace for that person?  How the hell was this supposed to work?

It is easy for people to say “just forgive” or crap about it only hurting you and not the other person.  But no one ever has some tried and true method for actual forgiveness.  It is easy to pretend you are willing to let something go but saying it and feeling it are two very different things.  And for me finding a path to forgiveness just seems impossible. Hell I am the person who holds grudges for other people along with my own! Anyone who wronged anyone, I am on it. It's that bad.   

Early on, after I created the vision board, I was able to find grace and what looked like the closest thing to forgiveness that I could find for one particular person in my life. But it came to me not through my own seeking but through what appeared to be his repentance for what he had done, his recognition of what he had done. For me that was enough to open a door enough to allow myself to heal, to find grace for him and what looked like forgiveness on my end.  But I was certain that most forgiveness never comes to us in that way. 

There are people in my life who will never understand what they have done or even care what they have done. Worse there are people who intentionally did harm, knowing the absolute damage they were inflicting and actively chose it.  Pure evil.  Why would I ever forgive that?

In my eyes, you have to be worthy of forgiveness.  I hear “forgiveness is for you and not the other person” (eye roll, big head roll, open mouth combo). For me, I see it as my way of saying that what they did was so wrong that I do NOT offer them absolution from it. Be sorry and then we will see where we go from there.  But I will not hand out my forgiveness like candy to those undeserving of it.  It is just how I feel. And no amount of psycho babble will change that for me. I feel destined to just be the person I am. 

Believe me, I would love to be one of those naïve happy people dancing through the tulips of life not caring who does what to them, offering their kumbaya forgiveness for anything and everything no matter how scorching.  But I am not.  I am that angry unforgiving person feeling like their lack of sincere apology will always be met with my absolute lack of forgiveness. Period.  NO exceptions.

With that being said, I am still open to finding the path, should one actually exist for me, to forgiveness. I understand fully that my way of thinking is trapping me and not those who wronged me.  But it does not change how I feel.  I do not know how to change how I feel.

But now in front of me is this new concept I have not explored. I am willing to try anything. If I don’t I will never move forward.

The daily practice of Ho’oponopono consists of a 4-statement mantra.  Just repeat it.  You can even download apps where someone else speaks the mantra and you just absorb the words. Easy peasy. Right? Like a magical incantation.  Just speak these words and feel the sparkling pixie dust surround you:

I’m Sorry.

Please Forgive Me.

I Love You.

Thank You.

 

OK so here goes.  I speak outloud. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.  Thank you. 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Silence.  I begin to think.

Who the hell am I talking to? Why am I saying these words? I’m not sorry.  Why am I asking for forgiveness?  Isn’t forgiveness about offering it to someone who wronged you? This makes no sense. Unless I am forgiving myself? What the hell do I have to forgive myself for? I mean I probably have things to forgive myself for but my issues with forgiveness are for other people. Right?

More googling. 

In my random search, I came across this great article (link at the end of this post) describing the concept of Ho’oponopono and explaining it in a way that made sense to me. I think I read it 5 times. I let it sit open on my laptop for a week milling it over in the empty spaces of my days.

It talks about our connection to everything that we experience and acceptance of our role in it, at least on a mental level.  It recognizes that many of us look at forgiveness as someone else’s problem that we have been forced to endure and not an acknowledgement of what originates inside of us. 

The article recommends starting with something that you know you have a role in, like an addiction.  OK, they are singing my tune now!  I am a food addict. So maybe when I do the mantra today it is about my food addiction.  It is about forgiving myself for not caring about myself enough sooner in my life, for falling into old patterns even when I know better.

I look at the TV.  I stroll through the kitchen. I think I am hungry.  This is my avoidance at play again.  I am too close to the fire.  It is uncomfortable, so I allow other things to drown it out.

Get it back on track. What else do I need to forgive myself for in regard to my food addiction? 

I am a blank.  It is like I switched off. Like I threw up a wall blocking myself from thinking about it.  What is wrong with me? Why can’t I even list the things I feel I have responsibility for and require my own forgiveness?

I sit in my frustration staring into the emptiness of my thoughts.  Then the epiphany. 

I don’t want to forgive myself.  It is why I don’t forgive others.  Because I don’t deserve it.  Like they don’t deserve it.  There is no excuse for me and what I have done to my body.  It is my fault that I am fat.  It is my fault that I continue to eat poorly.  It is my fault that my bad choices are affecting my health and continue to do so every single day.  It is my fault that I make excuses, then more excuses despite knowing that I am making excuses.  Forgiveness of myself means, to me, that all of that is ok.  This is exactly why I don’t forgive others.  Because I feel forgiveness absolves them of responsibility for their actions.  It says in no uncertain terms, ‘I am ok with the horrible shit you have put me through.’

What forgiveness needs to look like for me has to be different from how it has in the past or I will never be able to move into a space of forgiveness.  Not for myself and not ever for others.  I need to see forgiveness as an ongoing process of recognition.  I need to be able to analyze and accept my role and ownership in everything in my life.  I need to learn grace for myself and grace for others.

This is starting to open me up to considering forgiveness in so many areas of my life.  For the first time I see some pale light through the trees at least in regard to forgiveness.

The first thing I need to do is to focus on me.  I need to set aside for the moment, everything everyone has ever done to me.  It is not on the radar in this moment.  Only me.  I need to bring focus back to what I have done.  One thing at a time.  Apparently, the list of things I need to forgive myself for is equally as long as the list I need to forgive others for.  And I plan to start with my food addiction. I need to own it. To acknowledge it. Then figure out a way to “forgive” it and move forward. Even if that forgiveness needs to be a daily task.

Sometimes realizing how sick we are is the first step toward healing.

I would like to share that article here because it is absolutely worth a read: (https://www.compassionatelistening.org/post/power-of-wholeness-and-healing)